


Bittersweet

by shimmer_like_agirl



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mutually Unrequited, Pre-Relationship, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 09:25:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9997448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shimmer_like_agirl/pseuds/shimmer_like_agirl
Summary: Set pre-relationship, Corso spends an evening pining after his captain.





	

If he allowed himself to be honest, Corso would give up the pretense of watching the holovid and just admit that he was waiting to see the captain walk through the entrance when she returned to the ship. It was stupid. He knew it was stupid. In the short time he’d known Shawnni, she’d proved she was more than capable of taking care of herself. She didn’t need protection. She’d told him as much multiple times as well. If she got in too deep she would comm him.

Telling himself that didn’t help much. He still worried about her. Even if he did decide to turn in and go to bed, he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He’d be laying in his bunk, not sleeping, just listening for the sound of her returning footsteps. Only once she’d gotten back safely to the ship would he be able to fall asleep.

With a heavy sigh he tossed back the rest of his drink, feeling the slow burn as it coursed down his throat. In hindsight the alcohol probably hadn’t been the best idea. It made it more difficult to push away the intrusive thoughts about his new captain. Not that it was really any easier sober. Maybe slightly.

More than anything, he wanted to tell her about his growing feelings for her. That he thought about her all the time. That he imagined what it would be like to hold her in his arms, to kiss her, to have kiss him back. That he’d come to care a great deal about her in the time they’d been travelling together. That if she’d give him half a chance he’d fall in love with her.

He couldn’t say any of these things, though. Not when he became tongue tied whenever he tried. Maybe that was for the best. How could he say it without knowing if she felt the same way? She was so difficult to read. Never before had he met someone who was simultaneously open and closed. Yeah, she flirted with him, but she flirted with everyone. That was just how she was. She would flirt with a blaster if she thought it would make it fire more accurately. It didn’t mean anything. Knowing that did nothing to stop the blush from heating his cheeks when she did it, though. 

There were times when he thought maybe there could be something more. Like the times on the battlefield when her looks of concern held more intimacy than a captain should have for her crew. Or when they were just hanging out together in the ship’s lounge and she would lean into him, sometimes brushing her hand against his before pulling away once she realized what she was doing.

On more than one occasion he’d turned to find her watching him with a soft expression that sent his heart pounding and sucked all the air out of his lungs. Once she realized she’d been discovered her eyes would skip away guiltily and she’d find some excuse to take her to the other side of the ship. That had to mean something, didn’t it?

“Jus’ means I'm gonna need another drink,” he said and reached for the bottle he kept nearby.

“You talkin’ to yourself, Farmboy?” The sound of her voice startled him into nearly dropping his freshly refilled glass. He’d been so focused on his own thoughts he hadn’t heard her return. “Ya know they say drinkin’ alone is mighty unhealthy,” she followed with a melodic tinkle of laughter. “Got enough there to share?”

“Comin’ right up.” He’d recovered enough to be able to pour a second drink without making a fool of himself. When he handed her the glass he tried not to read too much into how her fingers grazed his as she took it. Not everything was a sign from on high, he reminded himself silently. How else was she supposed to get the drink? “You’re back early. Didn’t expect you back for a couple of hours. Things...uh...not work out?”

Shawnni made a face and took a quick sip of her drink. “Not exactly. It was all goin’ perfectly according to plan, an’ then he had to go ruin it all by tellin’ me he wanted to cook me breakfast tomorrow morning.” She shook her head in disbelief. “Blasted shame, he was really cute, too.”

Corso wasn’t quite sure how to respond. Talking to her about the company she kept, or didn’t keep in this case, was something he hadn’t figured out how to do without feeling like his own heart was going to break. “Would it…,” it was a struggle to find the right words. “Would it really be that bad? Breakfast, I mean. Sounds kinda nice to me.”

The admission earned him a raised eyebrow and she said nothing until she settled comfortably on the couch beside him. “Maybe I should give you his number. You can look him up next time we’re here.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.” Another drink followed by a lusty sigh. “Stars, you make a good drink, Farmboy. If you weren’t any good with blasters I’d keep you around as a bartender.” There was a soft chuckle and another, more contemplative, sigh. “Real talk?”

He nodded in agreement, although not without apprehension. “I can do that.”

“We’ve been travelin’ together for awhile now, but you don’t really know me all that well. Ain’t your fault. I don’t tend to let people get close too quickly.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that much out already.”

A sad smile graced her lips. “Figured you would. You’re a smart guy, Corso, even if you sometimes try to hide it. Now, if we’re gonna continue to travel together, I need to get somethin’ straight with you.” She paused to take in his reaction to her words. “I ain’t one of those women who’s lookin’ for a happily ever after situation. I learned a long time ago that the only person in this whole wide galaxy that I can trust is myself. I don’t need anyone to take care of me and I don’t ever plan on settling down. That ain’t the kinda life I want.”  
Corso swallowed hard, worried that whatever he said next would make her angry enough to change her mind about letting him go after Skavak with her. “Don’t it get lonely, though?”

“Rather be lonely than broken hearted,” she admitted quietly. “Done that once already and it was more than enough for me. And most times it ain’t real lonely. I can find all the company I need whenever I dock, provided I don’t end up with someone who don’t understand the meaning of a one night stand.”

“So that’s it?” he asked with a heavy heart. “That’s gonna be enough for you for the rest of your life?”

“Yep. Don’t want anything more than that.”

“But what if you meet the perfect person? Someone who wouldn’t break your heart? Someone who would love you with all his heart for the rest of his life?” He bit his lip roughly to keep the rest of the words from tumbling out, afraid he’d end up confessing every single feeling he had about her. “I mean...you’d never know it because you’d never give them the chance.”

Shawnni shrugged her shoulders in response. “I guess I’m okay with that. I’d rather spend the rest of my days criss-crossin’ the galaxy by myself than open myself up and risk gettin’ hurt again.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Everyone who’s ever hurt me has taught me a valuable lesson. I don’t ever plan on letting anyone get close enough to do it again.”

“I’m still sorry. You’ve obviously been through alot and it ain’t right that people hurt you so badly. I wish there was somethin’ I could do to make it better.”

His honest admission was enough to put a small smile on her face. “You’re a sweetheart. Don’t let my maudlin attitude getcha down though. I’m sure it’ll be different for you. You’ll find yourself some sweet girl one of these days and you’ll sweep her off her feet and then you’ll both ride off into the sunset.”

Corso felt a pang in his heart at the thought of being with anyone but the woman beside him. “I hope you don’t mind if I put that off for a little while.” He tried to make his voice light, to hide the dread he felt at the core of his soul. “At least until we catch up with Skavak and I can get my Torchy back. After that, we’ll see about this whole sunset thing.”

“You got yourself a deal, Farmboy.” Her eyes flicked to the screen of the holovid he’d been pretending to watch earlier. “And now I’ve made you miss your vid with all this depressing talk.” She paused to touch the screen. “I’ve never seen this one. Ya feel like watchin’ it over from the start?”

“I think I could handle that.” He reset the vid back to the beginning and settled back on the couch next to her. The vaguely familiar scenes we unsuccessful in grasping his attention. He was far too busy processing every last word of the conversation he’s just had with the captain. With the woman he was rapidly falling for. The woman who’d just told him she had absolutely no interest in all the things he wanted for himself.

He had no idea what he was supposed to do next. Did he keep his feelings to himself, locked away in his heart for the rest of his life? Didn’t she deserve to know how he felt? Was it fair of him to put that on her? Maybe she would resent him if he told her, especially after everything she’d told him tonight. He didn’t think he could handle a world where she hated him. Better to stay quiet for now and not risk the unhealable heartbreak any admission would cause.

Corso attempted to focus his mind on the vid, to try to get some sort of enjoyment of what had so far been a fairly crappy night. As it turned out, though, the vid wasn’t very good. Really, ridiculously awful. Normally the captain would have pointed this out, usually repeatedly until they switched vids. A quick glance to his left told him why. She was asleep.

While he was deciding whether or not to wake her, he was interrupted by the feeling of her body leaning against his, having slid towards him in her sleep. Now what was he supposed to do? The easy answer was to leave her there, given how cranky she could be when she got woken up prematurely. Who was he kidding? This was probably the closest he would ever come to being able to hold her the way he’d dreamed of doing.

With a few careful and deliberately slow maneuvers, he managed to get himself into a more comfortable position which allowed her to lean more heavily against him with her head resting on his chest. He resisted the urge to wrap an arm around her, afraid of crossing a line. He closed his eyes, attempting to capture the feeling of this moment for posterity in the vaults of his mind. It wasn’t the smartest thing he’d ever done, and it probably wasn’t healthy in the slightest. He just wanted to always be able to remember how she felt as she lay against him, how her hair fanned out against his shirt.

He soon drifted off, unable to stay awake anymore than she had been. At some point much later, he woke slowly, keeping his eyes closed as he tried to figure out what had disturbed him. Cracking an eye open slightly to take in his surroundings, he found, to his surprise, that Shawnni was awake, but she hadn’t moved from her spot and was still laying against him. His arm, which had been at his side when he’s fallen asleep, was now curled around her waist. He closed his eye again, not wanting her to notice that he was awake as well. He waited for her to get up and leave, but she didn’t.

She shifted slightly and inhaled deeply. “You’re such a dummy, Shawnni Devane,” he heard her softly whisper. He struggled to keep his breathing even and slow as he felt her hand cover his. His heart raced while her fingers worked against his until their fingers were laced together. “This is by far the stupidest thing you’ve ever done.” She sighed once more and settled in against him.

Maybe not so hopeless after all.


End file.
